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Book Review

The Five Keys To Mindful Communication

Susan Gillis Chapman

the five keys to mindful communication by Susan Gillis Chapman the five keys to mindful communication by Susan Gillis Chapman

Susan Gillis Chapman

Listen on Audible

A very detailed book that delves into the thoughts and behaviours that inhibit or enable communication.

INTRODUCTION

  • Mindlessness (ME-FIRST) vs Mindfulness (WE-FIRST)
  • Mindlessness causes confused communication habits, causes fear and mistrust, emotional hunger and aggression
  • Human relationships are naturally WE-FIRST, longing for connection, driven by acknowledgement and appreciation
  • The goal is to get back to genuine connection with others, approach with sympathy and insight
  • Communication channels:
  • GREEN LIGHT - Open / two way flow, sharing, connection
  • RED LIGHT - Closed / stop, information is blocked, defensive, shift to ME-FIRST, isolates and is negative
  • YELLOW LIGHT - Transition stage between Red and Green. Uncertainty, so slow down to examine communication state
  • WE-FIRST - identify with relationship instead of being selfish
  • Fear based - protect ourselves by inflicting harm on others
  • GO WITH THE GREEN - set intention to be open, cultivate friendship with ourselves, respecting connection with others despite up and downs that occur
  • STOP WHEN RED - Refrain from harmful communication patterns. Recognise closed communication patterns, stop instead of going into danger zone. Learn to replace defensive habits with more realistic ways to respond.
  • BE CAREFUL WHEN LIGHT IS YELLOW
  • Triggers that lead to shutdown
  • Make room for fears but not act on them
  • Mindfulness = room to observe RED LIGHT patterns, without judging as bad and refrain from acting out

FIVE KEYS

  1. MINDFUL PRESENCE
  • Awake Body, Tender Heart, Open Mind
  • Meditation, physical connection, allows awareness / wakefulness, improves ability to “read” what’s going on around us and be receptive to signals from others.
  1. MINDFUL LISTENING - Listen and encourage
  • RED LIGHT listening - not listening, no interest, attention is not there, or have existing ideas (mixed with other’s idea’s)
  • YELLOW LIGHT - misinterpretation, confusion
  • GO WITH GREEN - reflect like a mirror, what you are hearing, validate with playback
  • STOP AT RED - Keep WE-FIRST approach by refraining from harming others’ reputation
  • YELLOW - be encouraging, replay by rewording with unconditional positvie regard
  • Genuine confidence comes from humbleness, no mask needed
  • GO FOR GOLD
  • Avoid toxic certainty, listen with an open mind
  • Toxic leader vs Encouraging voice
  • 3 KINDS OF EMOTIONS
    1. Open GREEN LIGHT - WE-FIRST expressions of empathy, tune into others
  • Doesn’t cause harm despite being painful
  • Fluid responsive, synchronised - body and mind
  • Expressions of present moment
  • Inform us about what to do
  • Compassion, joy, love, sadness
    1. Closed RED LIGHT emotions - communication shutdown, frozen patterns / mental scripts
  • Block ability to listen to new information
  • Generated by fearful thoughts of past and future
  • Cause harm if not recognised
  • Inner fiction, not external reality
  • ME-FIRST, win - lose - hatred, jealousy, contempt, addictive cravings, depression
    1. YELLOW LIGHT - triggered when things don’t go as planned
  • Out of step with reality
  • Linked with frozen memories
  • Background anxiety
  • Confused ideas, not scripted, fragments of self doubt
  • Seek solutions in others
  • Trying to distance from fear, this is what creates the fear
  • Felt as fear, arise when things don’t go as planned, make us feel vulnerable, we want to suppress
  • Surface hidden self doubt
  • Insulted, frustrated, irritated, hurt, worried, embarrassed, ashamed.
  1. MINDFUL SPEECH
  • Punish the other person
  • Break habit of exaggerating and cut the root of toxic emotions triggered
  • Relate to RED LIGHT episode with compassion and insight
  • Deepen compassion with ourselves and others without sacrificing clarity of mind
  • ME-FIRST -> WE-FIRST gradual process, dis-identifying with mask and becoming more familiar with openness
  • Barrier shut down communication
  • Stay open to things that happen
  • Distresses in life are unavoidable, however our suffering is caused by mindless reactions
  • Being intimate with pain and negative reactions helps transform our speech into gentleness
  • Avoid generalisations and exaggeration, maintain WE-FIRST when angry or in pain
  • Two way street vs one way broadcast
  • Mindfulness helps us understand motivation for expressing ourselves
  • Mindfulness shows our speech is coloured by unique perception, interpretation and emotional reactions
  • Speak gently
  • Stay open in conflict allows 2 way communication
  • Communication breakdown = defensiveness over rules intuitive connection
  • Aggression depends on self aggression
  • Silencing or blaming is bullying others or self
  1. MINDFUL RELATIONSHIPS
  • Unconditional friendliness
  • Openness, trust, accommodation
  • Open mind, tender heart
  • Mindfulness - enjoy the power and energy of love and passion without freezing them into object of craving
  • Toxic niceness to avoid conflict and criticism
  • Aloneness is important - personal power
  • Don’t create illusions of control by making others an extension of your territory
  • Value differences in personalities
  • Mindfulness - remembering promises, commitments and vows
  • Avoid toxic niceness by having differences and conflicts in safe space
  • Failures should be seen as learning opportunities
  • Disappointment is a toxic certainty alert, thinking is not aligned with reality
  • Working with disappointment provides choice - hang on to opinions or let go
  • Working with disappointment is backdoor to unconditional friendliness
  • Key to mindful relationship is that we are alone and together
  1. MINDFUL RESPONSES
  • Three stages:
    1. RED - Love ourselves, be friends with self and not torture ourselves
    1. YELLOW - Communicate with people, establish relationship and help them
    1. GREEN - Selfless help
  • Surfing the wave of co-incidence
  • Mindfully open to present moment, undistracted by thoughts of the past or future
  • Staying tuned to co-incidences of nowness, recognise choices that are present in situation
  • Respond to happiness with celebration
  • Respond to anxiety with action
  • Respond to pain with comfort
  • Respond to grief with compassion
  • Respond to fear by offering protection
  • Respond to loneliness by connecting grief with comfort
  • Transformational dialogue
  • Step 1: Manage RED LIGHT reactions, prevent acting out, use mindfulness to interrupt tendency to react heatedly, complain, divisiveness, blame, retaliation
  • Step 2: Don’t turn aggression against self, by suppression. Intelligence of GREEN LIGHT emotions by silencing truth, accept that enemies exist.
    1. Compassionate activity of pacifying, hold steady with own serenity, accurately describe problem without generalisation / exaggeration
    1. Compassionate activity of enriching, seeing goodness in situation, making offering of generosity, invite co-operative stance / absorb insult
    1. Compassionate activity of magnetising, draw in more power and resources by unconditional friendliness, radiate gentleness
    1. Compassionate activity of cutting through abruptly and remove obstacles. Awake action to respond, hold composure

Image Credit: Audible

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